Ten years ago today, November 28, 1998, I finally mustered the courage to do what I had to do. I left my home with twenty-five dollars and two suitcases filled with clothes and my important papers.
My friends' and my counselor had been after me to do it for months and I think they had all but given up on my ever leaving. They were tired of seeing me on the verge of tears and seeing me with a blackened eye. I understood their concern but I really didn't want to do anything drastic until Kate had left for the Navy. I was also worried because my car had died and we couldn't afford another one and that I was out of work so I felt emotionally and situationally paralyzed.
What changed my mind? One night I said the wrong thing (and I still can't recall what I said) and my husband grabbed me and was about to hit me and Kate sprung into action and grabbed him and calmly said, "Daddy, you're going to stop this -- you're going to stop this NOW." He stopped.
That struck me to the core. I didn't like my brave daughter being placed in the midst of such things. The thought that she could have been hurt was more than I could bear. The next week when I went to therapy, I told my therapist about the incident and said that I wanted to leave and when and I asked what help was available for me. She went into action arranging things for me including transportation and a case manager to help me with whatever I needed. I was scared when I went home and cried a lot.
I cooked Thanksgiving dinner knowing that it was the last one I would cook for him and two days later on Saturday while he was at work, I packed my bags and called a taxi to take me and my bags to the drop off point for the domestic violence shelter. I explained to Kate what I was doing and that I would be in touch as soon as I could. She was glad that I was finally doing something to get my life right.
A representative of the shelter came and got me. I was a nervous wreck but he tried hard to assuage my misgivings and fears as we headed for the big old mansion that served as the shelter and would be my home for the next six weeks. Upon my arrival, they took my bags (I learned later it was to check them for drugs) and I had to fill out the ubiquitous paperwork and they gave me a stack of pamphlets to read. They showed me my room and introduced me to the women and children already in residence. Since it was the weekend, there wasn't a lot of staff around so I spent my time getting to know my housemates and adjust to my new environment with its many rules. I cried a lot and was told that was pretty normal.
Next time I'll tell y'all about what life was like there.
Happy Blogging!!!!!!!
Kay
12 comments:
Thank you Kay for sharing this part of your life with us.
Bear
Well dang I kinda got myself dragged into it. Sigh. Damn memes!!!
I had no idea from prior readings of your blog that you came from an abusive marriage.
I have been in counseling now for 19 weeks. My husband is not physically abusive but I've taken more than my fair share of mental abuse for the last year or so. Not sure where all this is coming from with him. It doesn't matter in reality where it comes from. It needs to change for me, I have come to realize through this therapy that I can't change him. Duh like I didn't know that before.
It is sinking in and I'm feeling better, regardless of him.
I think we share more than I had realized.
Thanks for sharing your story, actually with my group it is what I enjoy the most, the sharing, but also the validation I get from the others.
Need to get you on my google reader so I don't miss any of your posts.
janeywan
Janet:
I am so sorry about what you're going through and how well I know how it feels! I have become a bit of an expert on abuse -- both physical and emotional as I've experienced it throughout my life. My husband did both. I married my parents.
If you want to email me, my address is in the sidebar.
What a lot of happenings to put out there. I think most everyone struggles to overcome things -- the things are just different. Learning the tools to cope is a challenge and then applying them takes huge effort. I think of trite things to say and I don't mean to be trite at all as you share such heavy burdens. I think of that saying: nothing is either good or bad, but thinking makes it so. And I think, too, of the courage it takes to not only act in a constructive way and a positive way, but to refuse to sink into the mires that life throws our way.
A book on boundaries was one I found at a point in my life that was extremely logical and helpful. My mother always said that we are like a train and that we must let the logical part, the engine, lead us and then the emotional part, the caboose, will follow as it should down the tracks. Otherwise, the caboose will get off track if we let it lead.
When we try to live day by day, minute by minute it is still hard to look forward and choose to not give attention to things that we can't change or make us feel badly.
What you are sharing are encounters and situations that can make you depressed and unsure and all of what I say is a pat response because living fully in spite of things you have experienced takes such faith. Being among a community at your church is such a healthy thing.
This is brave of you to put yourself out there as you have with your writing. What are the silver linings, I wonder.
Your mother hasn't aged gracefully or graciously - something I remember my grandmother saying she was determined to do. But that is your mother's choice. How you respond is your choice. Surely your mother must be out of her head to expect you to want to have a relationship or respond to her when she acts in such a way.
Take the high road. Choose to act in a way that protects yourself. Those boundary books could help but you've probably learned a lot of this through counseling. Hang in there and think of good things, no matter how hard that is. Easier said than done...
Kay, you ARE AMAZING, as I think someone else has commented on your answers to the meme. I read the whole story last night. I've had my tough times but really they pale compared to the stuff you have survived -- more than survived, triumphed over! Yeah, I know it's not over yet but I am just betting that one of these days, maybe sooner than you think, you will learn that your kids and grands DO love and admire you as so many of us on the internet do. You're the best, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
No, I am not amazing. I just did what I needed to do as situations arose. One thing I'm not is a quitter. I may be down but I am never, ever out.
Oh honey, I am not the best. I am just me.
Kay,
Good for you. And thanks for sharing. I am cheering for you.
It must be such a relief for you to get it all out there!
thank you for sharing. i plan to keep reading. it is good to know that you can survived and that you can turn things around. thanks for writing. i like your style.
worrying about you. hope to hear from you...i know this is your more vocal real life crap stuff. i will check in on you...please take care, and write when you can.
you don't have to post this, only know that i am checking on you...
Personally, this is the bravest thing I've heard anyone do.
Congratulations for making the move, Kay. You'll make it through anything. Remember that.
Blue skies and green lights to you!!
Hugs,
Ily
Post a Comment