I'm adding this today here today because it makes me wonder how I got to be me. Tomorrow there will be two more posts here -- and one is quite pivotal.
This morning -- Thanksgiving Day -- my land line rang and as I answered I wondered why a damned telemarketer was calling on a holiday at 9 a.m. I've never had caller ID so I really had no idea who was calling. When I answered and the caller said, "Hello." my blood turned to ice.
It was my mother who I haven't spoken to in about 6-7 years. After asking what I was doing today, she immediately started a hateful and nasty tirade about things I had allegedly said regarding things my dad (who has been dead over twenty years and from whom she has been divorced over forty years) allegedly had said and went on to say that I've been saying terrible things about her. I listened for a minute or two and hung up angry and agitated. She kept calling for the next hour and letting it ring and ring and ring until my cordless phone went dead -- about forty-five minutes or so. I don't have any other land line and that problem was solved.
I sat here shaking and started a huge panic attack. I grabbed my meds and took one so I could recover a semblance of calm and rational thinking. The occasion she was talking about resulted in my daughter almost literally dragging me out of her house screaming at her grandmother. Nice. After I regained my sanity and logic after that incident, I decided that I was done with the guilt and accusations and I haven't spoken to my mother until this morning. The only things I have said about her is that I don't understand how people can hate the way she does and that I don't talk to her and that the reasons are complicated.
Today after I was done shaking. I decided that I cannot have this and my first impulse was to change my telephone number; however, I realized that for various reasons it wasn't a good idea. The good news is that she doesn't know where I live as I have moved since the above-mentioned encounter. If someone has told her I'd be surprised because no one I know has met her. I know that my ex won't speak to her. There's really no way she could know anything I may have said about her -- good or bad.
In the midst of the phone calls -- she was cagily alternating ringing a couple times or at length -- I decided that I really didn't need this so I called the police and the officer was very nice and explained what I could do. I reported it. I want it on record that this was done. Tomorrow I will call AT&T with the case number and find out what my options are. I hope they tell me that they will call her and tell her I called the police and filed a report and tell her that I will press charges. Thank God she hasn't got my cell phone number. Then again, she is one of the people who I keep in my cell phone so I know not to answer unless I feel masochistic.
I'm just guessing but she must have had a falling out with my brother (the rift alienated him from me) -- again -- and she's alone for the holiday and is reviewing every slight or transgression that's ever occurred in her life and decided to call and take her frustration out on me. I feel really sad for her. However, the day is past when I will deal with that. My days of listening to every damned one of my mistakes (that she knows about) are done.
Perhaps that sounds callous or harsh but I am old enough now that I really shouldn't have to hear it. One of the quotes I love most is from Carl Sandburg: "The past is a bucket of ashes." I believe that. I can't change the mistakes I've made and the failures I've had. All I can do is my best not to repeat them. Dwelling on the past is an exercise in frustration for me. It took me a lot of years to get past a lot of things and right now I finally mostly like myself and I can't let her destroy what I've worked so very very hard to attain.
I tend to be a person who really has no patience with past slights or indiscretions and I tend to be a forgiving sort. I'm basically a lover not a fighter -- especially with the people I care about. I don't get mad at people and stay that way forever. What I want to know is how I got to be this way given the role models I had. I wasn't angry with my mother when she called; I had decided that it was a toxic relationship and felt that keeping my distance was best. I know right now that I was right.
I just got home from my parish. I did my annual volunteer work at our dinner for the needy with a heavy, heavy heart. Father K. asked if I was all right and that I seemed distracted. I said I was fine, forced a grin and made a joke. I don't think he bought it. On the short drive home I decided that I'm going to seek the counsel of one of my favorite ministers to help me through this. He's a pretty straight shooter and I want his input.
So what am I going to do the rest of the day? I just don't know. I had bought myself a turkey breast and sides at my grocer's deli and had planned to nuke it for a solitary feast but I don't have an appetite. I am sick at heart and frustrated and drained. However, I do know that I will be fine and that I can and will survive. I always do.
Thank y'all for listening. Any input you can share to help is welcome. And prayers are welcome, too!
Happy Blogging!!!!!!!!
Kay
12 comments:
Kay I understand, I really do.
I'm sending you an e-mail.
Bear((( )))
Kay, I don't have an answer for you. I had a troubling relationship with my mom for the last 5 years of her life, and I talked to her as little as possible during that time, fearing that her paranoia would once again turn to me.
If you truly believe that your mom is toxic for you (and others) then you have nothing to be sorry about or to apologize for. I think you did the right thing. Your mom obviously needs help. I hope she can get it.
I'll be back to read your new posts tomorrow. And keepyou in my thoughts.
Bear: Thank you!
Judy: I will write to you. And no, she won't get help. Everyone else is evil -- she is a wonderful good person. Just ask her.
Sorry this day was such a hard one, Kay. My own parents are both gone and I miss them so. Having been a 12-stepper off and on for years, I know that some parent-child-sibling relationships can be really toxic. Sometimes withdrawing is the only way to keep one's sanity. I hope you do talk to your priest/minister about this.
I am so sorry your Thanksgiving holiday was ruined by this very miserable old lady.
I have no advice, except when I had a falling-out with my FIL, I found the scripture that said "Pray for them who despitefully use you or hurt you."
The hardest thing for me to do was to get on my knees and pray for him. It took many months of attempts, but after about 8 years, things got better and I actually loved him again. I am not saying you should do that with this woman, and I know you feel sorry for her, that is already a step in the right direction. I feel bad for what she did to you today.
{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}
~a
I think you did the right thing to not listen. It would have not helped her in the long run either. Reporting it might help to make her aware of what she's doing but it seems unlikely. In the end, all we can do is about ourselves. We can't change others and it's certainly not your fault at all that she's as she is. We don't create our parents and sometimes it's a life obstacle to overcome making sure they don't create us. Sounds like you are on the right path to keep that from happening. Sorry I can't be more help.
The only other thing I might add is that I don't believe these kinds or relationships
come because of punishment for past lives. I don't think that's the way it works. What it might be intended to do is teach you to release people who are unhealthy to your life and even when it's a parent, sometimes that's the only choice. Even Christ said, in some of his last words to the Apostles before he was crucified, that sometimes you have to shake the dust from your feet of some places where you cannot communicate. When it's someone who should have been a loved one, that is incredibly difficult to do but I don't see anything in this for you to feel guilty about at all. It's sad that your mother is as she is but you can't change her-- only she could do that and doesn't sound like she wants to do so. *hugs*
So sorry your holidays were marred by this unwanted contact. It does sound like what you said - your brother has had a falling-out with her. No doubt she got on his last nerve.
One of the great things about being a parent yourself is, you know what it means to have the responsibility for your own kids and no longer will buy the guilt trip that your mother tries to impose on you.
Glad you reported her. Try to enjoy the rest of your holiday!!
I think you did the right thing too Kay...the ONLY thing you could do. Too bad it's not that simple. Your mother managed to accomplish just what she set out to do...ruin your Thanksgiving...even if she didn't talk to you as much as she wanted. She managed to get to your emotional core and upset you and dredge up past unpleasantries like she knew she could. I'm so sorry Kay. But, you are a smart and resilient lady...and though your mother's guilt trip may have ruined your Thanksgiving, I think that's about as far as you'll take yourself on that trip.... Hugs, Joy
Thanks to all of you!!! Your support and love were soooo gratifying! And I really didn't let her ruin Thanksgiving too badly. Going on with my plan for the day worked except for dinner and I'm having that today!
I know that I can't take responsibility for her problems and if I let her interfere with my life that I'm giving her credibility. Thanks for letting me vent!!! I love all of you madly!
I don't have any sage words of advice, but I think you are so very right to NOT talk to her OR Listen To Her, either. The word Toxic came to mind almost immediately.....Sometimes letting go of this kind of bad bad influence is the only thing to do, even if it is your mother---And maybe--ESPECIALLY if it is your mother. You don't need that toxicity in your life Kay....Sad though that may be because she is your mother---I must say she sounds really pretty crazy, and I hate to use that word, but.....that's how it sounds to me standing outside the situation.
I don't think of her as crazy -- just a lonely old woman who dwells on the wrong things. Unfortunately, she did it to herself. Her venom has caused me a lot of heartache and my divorce has, too. I am a survivor and am trying to take the moral high road with all of it. As I've said often, I can't waste time hating anyone. It takes too much energy and it's unproductive.
Post a Comment